I am still after four years struggling with moms feelings regarding my finding my birth family. I thought I might find some useful info online that would help me deal with her thoughts. She has told Hudson and others that this Christmas was very hard for her. I thought it was one of our better as I didn't yell at her. She felt as though it was a competition between she and my birth people. Anyway, as a lot of you know, I was a beast growing up. I was angry all the time, yelling crying, being hateful. I felt I didn't fit and that no-one understood me. I felt rejected, and disconnected. I stumbled upon a number of articles this afternoon that really made me take notice. 'the severing of that connection... causes a primal or narcissistic wound..which manifests in a sense of loss, basic mistrust, anxiety and depression, emotional and/or behavioural problems, and difficulties in relationships with significant others' (Verrier 1993)
~Being there to support my daughter in her search and reunion has brought us even closer as an adoptive family. When I hear that other adoptive parents are afraid of search and reunion because they fear losing their son or daughter, I am not surprised that they don't realize that it actually strengthens their relationship. I cannot imagine not supporting your son or daughter in their search and reunion journey anymore than I can imagine not allowing them to get their driver's license or go on that first date or leave home to attend the college of their choice. Why be afraid of more people that will love your son or daughter? Adoptive parents have one more parenting task to do for their adopted son or daughter than biological parents. That additional parenting task is to support them in their search for their birth family as a part of the process of their growing up adopted and feeling good about who they are and where they came from.
Adoptees often have abandonment issues from their original relinquishment. To feel abandoned a second time by their adoptive family just when they are trying to resolve these issues through search and reunion is an emotional hardship. To ignore or discount the importance of their biological family feels like genealogical genocide to some adoptees. If blended families are possible in families that divorce and marry new partners, then blended families are also possible in adopted families. Searching is not about adoption and it has nothing to do with the quality of adoptive family parenting. Searching is about relinquishment and the search for who they are as a physical person. ~
This is where mom struggles so much. She feels that I will turn against her either on my own or with their help. She has suggested that I need to choose as no-one can have two families. I don't and never have wanted two, I just want one big one that includes everyone. However, I have realized that this is not a realistic concept and so I will begin leading a secret life. She will not be totured with the knowledge of my goings on. Her being privy to the happenings in my life has only brought her pain, so this is where it stops.
She is not able to accept the fact that my emotions are everywhere. My loyalties are everywhere. My love can be everywhere. How can it be wrong that I am loved by people other than her.
For me these thoughts and the many others I read made me realize that there is nothing wrong with me( at least in this regard) and that I can own the feelings that I have. I will just keep them to myself.
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6 comments:
That's very intresting info.
I can't help but think that your struggle to keep all of your other 'goings on' from your Mom is going to deepen the rift rather than repair it tho. She might feel better about it, but will you? If you feel joy and you have to suppress that joy or hide it from your mother, will you not come to resent her for this? When I'm happy, the first people I want to share it with are those closest to me.
I can't even imagine how difficult this must all be for you. You should write a book, as clearly there isn't an instruction manual for all of this stuff ((HUGS))
I had to hit refresh and be very quick with the comment button to get in here but I had to finish reading your post!
You have found some amazing information about adoptive children finding their birth families. I am glad you now feel like your feelings are okay because they are! I have to agree about the comment about not sharing them may deepen the rift though. Something to think about.
I just wanted to share my perspective on this as well from the adoptive mom's point of view. Our daughter is only 6 so I can only imagine what it will be like when she realizes she has another mom. I imagine though that it will be very much like when any child leaves home for the first time. I think it will be very painful at first. Especially for me, to see that my daughter who I saw through good times and bad run to the mother who refused to take care of her own child. I will feel anger that I was the one who had to be there when she was hurt, angry, sad, etc. I will feel jealous that she loves another mom, perhaps even more than she loves me. I will feel sadness that she never got to know her birth mom as I know her. I will feel joy in knowing that I was there for all the good times and bad.
I don't know if this helps you to understand but as the adoptive mom it is very hard to just "let go" and allow your child to run to the very family you got them from. It is not necessarily a negative thing but it is definitely a huge range of emotions that your mom needs to work through. I think given time, she will see that you do not love your other family more and that it is possible for you to have two mom's and everything is still okay. I am guessing she is very insecure within herself and is worried about the outcome. Time will heal those worries for her. Just be patient with her but be firm in the fact that you can have two families and love them both equally.
Thanks girls. I think for mom she has a very hard time seeing any of the emotions I have as valid. She has never understood my desire to know whose eyes I have or where Sams red hair comes from. To her those are insignificant issues. For me they are part of what makes me what I am. She and my environment also contributed heavily. It would seem that in talking to her that her opinion is that when I was given up that there would be no emotions beyond that. It's not like giving away a sofa because it doesn't fit your lifestyle. She for the life of her cannot understand why my birthmom is grateful to her.
The rift between she and I has been there as long as I can remember. It got even bigger in highschool. A lot of it has to do with how I was treated. This is an aspect of my life where she has no control and I think that bothers her.
Margie had no behavioral issues, Margie did seem to fit and as a number of the articles I read stated, about 75% of adoptees have no desire to search out their people. Neither is wrong, we are all just made up completely differently. I was consumed with wonder, Marg not so much.
I am not trying to discount moms insecurity but I do need to be able to love whoever I want and have relationship with whoever I want. My birthmom said on the first day we met that if us having a relationship was going to hurt mom then we couldn't have one. I'm not willing to lose her again. We live in the same city and it has been a month since we have seen each other, but when we do wish to get together I would like to feel free to do so.
I am now bawling... the hick up kind...
Your feelings are real, true and alright! I love you for who you are and where you came from! I love mom too and I hurt for her because she can not figure things out right now... hopefully time will heal!
Jodi, thanks for your insight into the other side. Even with going through this time we can never tuely understand that side. It helps to hear from you, love, understanding, fear (good fear) and down to earth thinking!
Maybe with my process moving slower I can help sort out mom's feelings!
Love you big sis!!!!!
(going to go use a box of kleenex to mop up face and computer)
Your welcome Margie. I hope it was helpful. I also learn so much when the two of you post about being adopted.
I can only guess at what my daughter will think as she gets older, but it is encouraging to see that the two of you feel like a family and love each other.
My daughter's birth mom is also my SIL so she won't have far to go to find her other family should she want too.
Yippy I can post...
You may have your cake and eat it too....I wish you luck.
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